Do I Have Attachment Issues? How Therapy Can Help
You may be wondering whether you have attachment issues, if you crave closeness, but once someone starts to get too close, you freeze. Or worse, you pick a fight, shut down, or walk away before they have the chance to hurt you. Maybe you find yourself texting obsessively one minute, then ignoring them the next. You might even be the one who pulls people in with charm and warmth, only to create distance when things feel "too real."
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in confusing, painful relationship patterns—repeating the same emotional loops and wondering, "why do I keep pushing people away?"—you’re not alone. These are some of the common signs of what therapists call attachment issues. And they can wreak havoc on even the most loving relationships.
The truth is, these patterns didn’t come out of nowhere, and they’re not a character flaw. They are adaptations. Survival strategies. And they can be healed.
What Are Attachment Issues, Really?
Attachment issues are emotional and behavioral patterns rooted in how we learned to connect (or not connect) with our caregivers growing up. According to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, the bonds we form in childhood deeply influence how we relate to others in adulthood—especially in romantic relationships.
Attachment issues often show up as:
A constant fear of being abandoned
Difficulty trusting others
Feeling overwhelmed or suffocated in close relationships
Emotional shutdown during conflict
Clinginess, jealousy, or needing frequent reassurance
In short: attachment issues are about how safe or unsafe you feel when you're emotionally close to someone. And they show up in very real, often painful ways in adult love.
The 4 Types of Attachment Issues
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment You feel comfortable with closeness and independence. You trust others and trust yourself. Conflict doesn’t scare you, and relationships feel like a safe base.
Anxious Attachment You crave closeness but often fear that others will leave you. You may feel "too needy," worry you're not enough, or struggle with jealousy and reassurance-seeking.
Avoidant Attachment You value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. You might minimize emotional needs, push partners away, or shut down in conflict.
Disorganized Attachment You experience both anxious and avoidant patterns. Love feels unsafe. You might want to connect deeply but struggle to trust or stay in it.
Knowing your attachment style is gently noticing the ways you show up in relationships, and beginning to understand where those patterns came from. That awareness is often the first step toward changing them.
"Why Do I Have Attachment Issues In Relationships?"
These patterns usually start early.
Maybe your caregiver was emotionally inconsistent—loving one moment, withdrawn the next. Maybe you were expected to grow up too fast. Maybe you felt invisible. Or maybe your home was unpredictable or even frightening.
Whatever your story, attachment issues tend to form in response to unmet emotional needs. They’re protective mechanisms that made sense back then—but often cause pain now.
How Attachment Issues Sabotage Adult Love
Attachment wounds don’t just live in your mind—they show up in how you act, react, and connect:
Stonewalling: Shutting down or checking out during conflict
Clinginess: Flooding your partner with texts or needing constant reassurance
Emotional Withdrawal: Avoiding intimacy, deflecting vulnerability
Infidelity or Compulsions: Using behaviors (porn, gambling, sexting) to escape vulnerability or soothe stress
Relationships impacted by attachment wounds often feel like unfinished puzzles—many pieces are there, but something still feels incomplete or out of order. In many cases, partners feel like they're facing away from each other, emotionally distant, disconnected, or even afraid to turn toward one another again.
Healing begins with the smallest movements—an attempt to be honest, a moment of shared vulnerability, a willingness to stay present even when it feels uncomfortable. These small steps are often where reconnection begins.
What Attachment Disorder Looks Like In An Adult
Attachment disorder isn’t a formal diagnosis for adults according to the DSM-5, which limits the official term to children, specifically Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). However, many adults display consistent patterns that reflect deep-rooted attachment disturbances. According to research published in Attachment & Human Development, adults with unresolved early relational trauma may experience difficulties in emotional regulation, intimacy, and trust, which closely mirror attachment-related struggles observed in childhood.
Difficulty trusting others or being vulnerable
Chronic relationship instability
Emotional numbness or fear of intimacy
Constant testing or jealousy
High reactivity or intense shutdowns in conflict
The thing is, these behaviors are not who you are; they are what you learned to do. They once kept you emotionally safe. Now, they may be keeping you stuck.
According to trauma researcher Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, the need to feel seen, heard, and understood is essential to healing. Relational safety is foundational for emotional regulation and connection, and therapy offers a space where these needs can finally be met—often for the first time. In therapy, you don’t just build stronger relationships with others—you also learn how to reconnect with yourself.
How Therapy Can Help You Heal
Therapy doesn’t change your past, but it can change the way it lives in your present. Because healing starts when you begin to understand yourself.
Most attachment issues are protective instincts that simply outlived their usefulness. Therapy helps you become more fully yourself—with insight, kindness, and courage.
At The Virtual Counselors, we use:
Imago Therapy: To explore how past wounds shape current conflicts, and how couples can transform pain into connection.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): To help you understand the "parts" of yourself that developed these patterns—and what they need now.
Gottman Method: To give you tools for communication, repair, and resilience in your relationship.
Whether you come alone or with a partner, therapy helps you heal with awareness; to build emotional safety, practice new ways of relating, and slowly rewrite the story of what love can feel like.
You don’t have to "fix" yourself to be worthy of love or connection. Connection deepens with choice. And change grows from even the smallest shift in how you show up.
You can begin that shift today.
Ready to explore your attachment story? Reach out to The Virtual Counselors and take the first step toward healing, clarity, and the kind of love that doesn’t have to hurt.
Why Choose Our Online Virtual Counselors?
Specialized Expertise: Our therapists aren’t generalists. They specialize in different areas of mental health, ensuring you get the tailored support you need.
Convenience: No commuting, no waiting rooms. Receive therapy from the comfort of your home, office, or wherever you feel safe and relaxed.
Flexibility: Our virtual platform can adapt to your schedule. You decide when you want to have your session.
Confidentiality: Just like traditional face-to-face therapy, our online sessions are private and confidential.
If you’re seeking an online, virtual counseling in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia or Florida, please reach out for a complimentary consultant today.
